


Purge

by lordsugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Addiction, Blindness, Bulimia, Conbert, Depression, Eating Disorders, Food, Robert Sugden - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:39:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7085929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordsugden/pseuds/lordsugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When things get too much for Robert, will he find a way to cope? Or will he press self destruct?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my little poo roosa xxxxxxxxxxx
> 
> *********CAMPAIGN FOR ROBERT SUGDEN TO GET HIS OWN STORYLINE AND THAT IT BE ABOUT HIM HAVING AN EATING DISORDER*******
> 
> i love ryan hawley more than my own family 
> 
> aaron livsey is a wet wipe
> 
> ENJOY MY STORY XXXXXXXX

The year felt like it was dragging on forever. Every single day felt as if it was a constant battle and it was like he was powerless in control. All the fights, the arguments, the break-ups, the make-ups, an exhausting infinite cycle that Robert thought would never fade away.

All he wanted was a simple, peaceful life with his boyfriend Aaron. Hardly asking for much though, thinking about it. Except the problem being that the words ‘simple’ and ‘Robert Sugden’ are not commonly found together in any turn of phrase. In fact, the likelihood of him winning the lottery would have been more on the cards at this rate. Any glimpse of happiness is inevitably ripped away the moment he breaks a smile because reality in itself is a cold-hearted bitch.

*

“We’re done. Finished!” bellowed Aaron as he turned red in anger, shouting at the top of his lungs.

“I’m so fucking done with your bullshit Robert, all your hard-faced lies, your deceits, the fucking lot, I can’t take this shit anymore.”

“B-but Aaron” Robert said softly as a tear formed in his right eye.

“I haven’t done-, I swear to you, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t.. I-I wouldn’t” Robert responded in a tearful panic as the thought of losing the love of his life made him feel sick to his stomach.

“P-please Aaron, I’m not that man anymore, y-you’ve got this all wrong.” he stuttered. “Connor.. Conner was nothing. It’s not like me and you were even together at the time when we – y’know. He’s made everything up I swear to you, it was just a one off and I’ve already come clean about that. Please, you have to believe me.”

It’s at that moment that Robert instantly regretted ever having laid eyes on Connor Jensen. That rent boy’s fire-fuelled jealousy brought nothing but tension and angst to the couples already fragile relationship as he constantly sought to find new ways to tear them apart.

And this time, it looked like he’d succeeded.

“I was framed Aaron, I never sent him those messages. He’s obsessed with me! He must’ve somehow got a hold of my mobile while my back was turned and planted them there intentionally. I would never cheat on you, I promise.”

“I-I love you Aaron.. with all my heart” Robert effused, half chocked from all the tears.

“Words. Just empty words.” Replied Aaron, unconvinced in the slightest.

He’d heard enough apologetic ‘I love you’s’ from Robert Sugden to last him a lifetime – so much so the phrase had lost all meaning.

“I don’t trust you Robert. You’ve got form and I honestly don’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth anymore.”

“... I deserve better.” Aaron voiced sternly.

“Just go.”

Robert’s face slowly fell apart. Inside he felt as if the entire world had been drained of its colour, leaving him numb in a grey isolated space of nothingness. His bruised heart was yelling at him to stay and fight for their relationship despite the odds being seemingly stacked against him. Yet his head was telling him to call it quits because deep down he knew Aaron was right. He did deserve better. No amount of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you’ could ever take away the fact that he once made his life an unbearable mess.

Lost, confused and heartbroken, the tall green-eyed man followed his mind and walked heavily towards the back door of the pub in the hope that his lover would soon realise that he’s made a massive mistake.

All he wanted was for Aaron to usher the word “Wait” as the penny would finally drop, only for Aaron to fall back into Robert’s warm, tender arms of embrace where he belonged. However, no such thing occurred, with the pin-drop silence beneath Robert’s endless sniffling speaking volumes.

“You’re making a _massive_ mistake –“ Insisted Robert as he turned his head slightly while he reached for the rustic, old door handle.

“ – The only mistake I ever made was falling in love with scum like you.” Aaron interrupted coldly. “And god, _god_ , do I hate myself for it.” He stressed.

“You’re a vile, manipulative piece of shit Robert Sugden – just do the decent thing for once and just drop dead.”

_Silence_

Stabbed with the sharp, echoing words of his now _former_ lover, Robert agonisingly left the pub overwhelmed with pain.

His fear of being alone had just become a reality.


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up, hung-over, the next morning to the cold, rough bed sheets of Victoria’s spare single bed really hit Robert hard. Oh how he yearned to open his eyes once more to the sweet angelic sight of his perfect boyfriend snuggled half-naked beside him, with his warm soft skin heavenly caressing his beautiful back.

Robert lay there, eyes wide open, motionless, staring at the plain white ceiling above him. All that was circling in his mind were the final words Aaron said to him last night, “ _just drop dead”._ It hurt. It _really_ hurt. But the pain soon turned into question as he wondered, ‘what if..’

 _‘What if_ he hadn’t been so impulsive and controlled his emotions instead of hurting the one he truly loved the most?’

 _‘What if_ he’d come clean to Chrissie from the start about his feelings for Aaron instead of cowardly hiding his sexuality behind the wealth and status of Home Farm?’

 _‘What if_.. the one man he’d unquestionably die for loved him back just as much as he did him?’

A single tear slid across his face.

“If only that bullet had actually finished me off.. “

“What’s the point in living when there’s no one to love you?” Robert mentally tortured himself, clearly in an element of depression.

Suddenly, with no warning the bedroom door burst open to the sight of a twenty-two year old, blonde haired woman – his little sister Victoria – standing in the doorway.

Robert caught off guard and slightly startled, quickly wiped away the remaining tears rolling down his left cheek.

“Do you _ever_ knock _!?”_ he cried out, a little embarrassed at his sister catching him in this emotional state.

“Sorry Rob, it’s just tha– wait, have you been crying?” she asked curiously, as she walked over and sat beside him.

“Look, if this is about your little bust-up with Aaron, I’m sure yous two will sort things out once you’ve given yourselves a bit of space – you know how grumpy he can get, he just needs a bit of time to cool off. But in the mean time, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you like.” Victoria said reassuringly as she gave Robert a little squeeze on the shoulder.

“Space.” Robert repeated. “That’s all he ever wants from me. He doesn’t trust me Vic and he doesn’t want me anywhere near him. And y’know what the funny thing is, _for once_ I haven’t even done anything wrong – but in his book, I’m still not good enough.”

“You’re made for each other Rob, don’t give up now – just have a little patience.” Comforted Victoria as she gave her fragile brother a tender hug.

*

Later that day, with Adam out on a call-out from the scrap yard, Victoria asked Robert to take care of her 10 month old daughter Stella while she nipped out to Hotten for a couple of hours to sort out some bank details for a new savings account she’d made a little while ago. Irrespective of what other people thought, Robert loved spending time with his niece and would happily pitch in whenever he could – especially if it meant taking his mind off Aaron.

“Everything’s in the bag: nappies, her dummy, her milk bottles. Make sure you put her to bed early, you know how cranky she can get when she’s sleep deprived.. I’ll only be a couple of hours.” assured Victoria.

“Yes, yes..” Robert rolled his eyes. “It’s not like I’ve looked after her over a hundred times already or anything, I think I know the drill by now.” He joked sarcastically.

“I think your mummy needs to chill out a bit, don’t you?” Robert cooed at Stella softly as he picked her up and placed her in his arms.

“Very funny.. (!)” Responded Victoria, pulling a sarcastic smile as she walked out the front door.

 

Half an hour has passed and Robert was bored out of his mind. With no job, no mates and a baby that did nothing but snooze twenty-four-seven, he was in dire need of escaping the solitude of him and his depressing, lonely thoughts. Out of ideas, he decided to risk the harsh chills of the gloomy winter weather to go and take Stella out for a stroll around the village in order to get some needed fresh air into his dry lungs.

Pushing Stella sound asleep in her buggy, it didn’t even take him five minutes from leaving the house for him to regret even considering the idea.

Walking towards David’s shop (typically also Robert’s first planned destination), hand-in-hand was Chrissie and Andy, her giggling, all loved up in each other’s company. Robert on the verge of throwing up at the sickening sight was not in the mood for a confrontation and so avoided eye contact, instead choosing to mutter a selection of colourful words under his breath at the expense of his former wife.

Unsurprisingly, she also had a few choice of words for him but instead not wasting the opportunity to mock her ex-husband directly to his face– especially given overhearing the local gossip in the café that morning that him and Aaron had been having problems of late.

“Leave it Chrissie..” sighed Andy as he attempted to catch up with the thirty-five year old woman who had eagerly rushed over towards Robert.

“Trouble in paradise (?)” she smirked as she ignored Andy.

“What?” Robert answered, uninterested in the slightest.

“I see your stupid boyfriend has finally seen sense and kicked you out. You had it coming Robert. Lowlifes like you don’t deserve to be happy. You’ll probably end up dying a sad, sorry, lonely life because that’s all you're worth. Why waste happiness on trash like you anyway?” taunted Chrissie right against his face.

“How low did you have to stoop this time then ay’? Sleep with a prostitute or something? Go on, enlighten me.”

Speechless, Robert didn’t know how to respond. Even though he _had_ admittingly slept with a hooker, he’d never actually had the affair for which he was being wrongly accused of. At that moment Robert just wanted to crawl away and hide with shame as seeing Chrissie’s gloating face made him feel worse than shit.

The sound of tension sensitively awoke Stella from her slumber, probing her to cry fiercely. Robert picked her up and gently held her until she stopped, at the same time still trying to ignore Chrissie’s harsh tongue.

“What? No smug comeback? No retaliation? You must _really_ be in the dog house then!” she laughed cruelly as she walked away, leaving Robert standing frozen, at a loss and clearly disheartened in shock.

Andy trailed after her like a mindless dog, not even bothering to make any form of interaction with his younger brother despite the fact that the wounds between them were supposedly starting to heal.

Just at that moment, as Robert turned around to head back home, his eyes caught the sight of Aaron leaving the pub dressed in his usual all black, scruffy attire. Robert’s heart skipped a beat.

“Aaron! Aaron please..” he yelled across the street, trying to get the young man’s attention.

Aaron ignored him rather blatantly, and continued in the opposite direction, wearing a smug smile and a walk of superiority and swagger, forcing Robert to stand idle in torture. You could tell he was enjoying this – keeping the ‘mighty’ Robert Sugden at bay in his pocket. Now _he_ was in control and he was loving every second of it.


	3. Chapter 3

Day after day, Robert’s mental strength was continuing to crumble at his feet. Everything had really started to take its toll. His confidence, his self-esteem and motivation to succeed in life had all disappeared off the face of the planet, with no sign to when they’d return. He’d lay in bed for days, locking the door so no one could disturb him – not that anyone cared, not really. Even Victoria had given up fighting against his new heights of stubbornness because deep down she knew that he’d snap out of it, eventually.

But he didn’t. 

It had been 3 days since he’d last eaten – prolonging the pain of starvation just to replace the torture of rejection he’d been drowning in over the couple of weeks. What had become of this man who was once poised to take on the world? All he wanted was to feel loved unconditionally by the one person who truly understood him, the one man who he thought loved him to the moon and back just as much as he did him.

“Guess I’m dying alone then..” He thought to himself, in self-pity.

A silent pause fell on the gloomy, brown, mahogany room.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?” Robert suddenly screamed out of nowhere in rage.

Triggering a moment of madness, he jumped up instantly from the bed and trashed the room from top to bottom without a second thought; throwing the ancient bedside drawers onto the other side of the room, destroying it in the process and tearing up all of Adams old automotive magazines which he’d stacked up neatly in the corner of the room. Panting with anger, Robert flung the bedroom door open pumped with adrenaline. He ran downstairs and straight into the kitchen in search of alcohol to toxically drench his problems away.

“Fucking hell Vic!” cursed Robert at the sight of the empty liquor cupboards. “Why does the world hate me so much?” he cried, collapsing to his knees, sobbing.

The thought of having to leave the house to go buy alcohol brought a shiver to his spine. What if he bumped into Chrissie again or worst of all, Aaron? The last thing he wanted was for him to see him in this sorry, messed up state.

“No.” He thought. “There must be another way.”

Robert riffled through the remaining cupboards in search of something else to fill the empty void lurking inside him. He needed comfort, a stress reliever.

Adam being a bit of a pig meant that one thing the house was never short of was junk food. Robert scoffed and to some extent cringed at the thought of him getting ‘high’ on sugar as a means to kill his emotional pain as if he was a child but to his annoyance he was not left with many options and was running out of patience.

“Fuck it.” He said, whilst he grabbed as many packets of sweet confectionaries that he could find, the selection ranging from standard bars of Dairy Milk to a whole tub on Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream.

Slumped on the couch, at the mercy of his own unstable emotions, Robert wasted no time in indulging in the guilty pleasures that he’d unexpectedly befriended. Every single mouthful of sugary sensations released him into a state of euphoria where his pain-stacking troubles melted away into the distant past. All he could think about was the next blissful helping of heaven in his watering mouth whilst his barren heart became smothered in ecstasy.

An hour had passed and Robert was still mindlessly possessed with the false sense of security that he had been lured into by the comfort food. Unexpectedly however, the tables had suddenly turned and it was clear that he was no longer entranced in the soothing ambiance as he was before.

“No.. No..” Robert weakly called out, as his aching stomach begged him to stop.

“I can’t.. I won’t..” Robert replied to the sounds of his insides moaning in agony, with him being too stubborn to yield.

“You can’t make me stop, I deserve it! I fucking deserve it!” he yelled out in pain as he continued his binge.

Overwhelmed with emotions, Robert evidently was in a dark place. He pinned for closure in the hope that once he’d seen himself punished for all the hurt he had caused, he would finally be able to move on with the rest of his life. Yet, to his obliviousness he had unintentionally allowed himself to succumb to a vicious cycle.

“You’re not gonna beat me, I-I’m stronger than you think.. I-I’m – “

Suddenly without warning, Robert was forced to abruptly rise and leg it to the bathroom to violently throw up the inevitable, imminently having lost the battle. His stomach churned frantically as he sank to his knees, propelling large quantities of revolting orange, chunked sick into the toilet beside him.

The pain, it felt... good. So damn good. Like as if an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Robert breathed out heavily in relief.

“I needed that, wow..” He told himself, as he exasperated.

But he wasn’t finished in the slightest. Fooled into thinking he was in control, Robert contemplated when his next binge was going to be. It hadn’t even been 10 minutes since he’d finished vomiting yet he already craved more of the feeling. This was just the start. 


	4. Chapter 4

Christmas was just around the corner and as usual around this busy time, the whole village was in frenzy faffing about to ensure all festive plans were being carried out accordingly. At the pub, Chas was no exception. Her and her big gob had accidentally volunteered to hold the annual Dingle Christmas do at her place this year and so was frantically obsessed with making sure everything was spic-span and organised.

Things had also seemed to lighten up for Aaron too in the last few weeks too. Following his separation with Robert, he’d landed himself a new bloke that he’d met in a bar in Hotten that he’d been seeing for a couple of weeks.

“So are you gonna be inviting Sebastian to come to this party then?” asked Chas being her usual nosy self.

“What? Urm, maybe I dunno, I guess” Aaron replied, not really listening to his mother.

“You should definitely think about, he seems like a decent, genuine guy. He’s gonna be good for you, I can just tell.” Chas smiled as Aaron rolled his eyes at the thought of his mother trying to get in on his love life.

Aaron knew that his mum would say that about _anyone_ as long as it wasn’t Robert. Ever since they’d split up you could tell she’d got a spring back in her step. Thrilled would have been an understatement.

“I’ll ask him if he wants to come round for a drink in a bit, if that’ll also make you happy.” Aaron sighed as he knew that his predictable mother was going to suggest it anyway and knowing her, she wouldn’t drop it until he agreed.

“That’s a great idea love, it’ll give me a chance to get to know him a little bit more too.” 

“Grill him, more like (!)” Aaron laughed. “And don’t you even think about it.”

“Never even occurred to me.” She smiled again innocently.

*

Back at Victoria’s place, a mystery was still yet to be solved.

“Why is your brother so goddamn weird? First he trashes his room for no apparent reason then now he’s doing this. Has he got a screw loose or summit!?” Adam quizzed, rather perplexed.

“Don’t you have a go at him! We all know who’s at fault for this and now you’re just tryna shift the blame!” Victoria answered sternly.

“Look, it wasn’t me alright? Do you really think I could scoff down a _whole_ tub of one of those Ben  & Jerry’s and the rest in just one night? You got to be kidding me; even I ain’t _that_ much of a pig. In fact just thinking about it makes me wanna hurl!” Adam protested in innocence as Victoria continued to interrogate him.

“I mean it Adam, this is happening every week! I let it slide at first but it’s just getting ridiculous now. It’s not even about me wanting some for myself; it’s about the fact that all that crap really isn’t good for you!” Victoria argued, beginning to look deeply concerned.

“If you haven’t noticed, you and I aren’t the only people that live in this house.. _surely_ your brother must have something to do with this?!” Hinted her husband.

“There you go again, look I’ve told you countless of times Adam.” Replied Victoria. “Robert’s never been one to get hung up on things like that. Ever since we were kids he’d always avoid eating large amounts of junk food because he was... really body conscious.”

“Could’ve fooled me..” Joked Adam.

“No, I’m being serious– he was obsessed! Started counting calories and everything, bless him. He’s definitely over it now though, thankfully... But I don’t want you going round all guns blazing on him about something which is quite sensitive to him, not many people know about it. He’ll be embarrassed and I don’t want that!”

“Whatever, look, I know that you still think it’s me but it’s seriously not.. Anyway, it’s no big deal. I even bet you it’s just Stella getting a little peckish in the night.” Laughed Adam.

Victoria frowned.

“Ah lighten up Vic! Since when did you become so serious?” Adam asked rhetorically.

“Everything’s just one big joke to you isn’t it. Well I don’t care, I’m going to get to the bottom of this with or without your help.”

She stormed out.

She was a woman on a mission.

*

“He’s almost here, now don’t make a fuss like you always do.” said Aaron

“I didn’t last time though, did I?” answered Chas looking offended.

A few seconds later, a tall, slim fresh looking man walked gracefully through the pub doors. He had slick-looking fading shaved sides with loose, free brunette curls on the top of his head. Wearing a tight navy coloured sports polo shirt and well-fitted grey skinny jeans, he did look a handsome sight.

“Bloody hell, I do wonder how you managed to pull him sometimes.” giggled Chas subtly, obviously joking.

Although he never admitted it, Aaron did at times wonder the same.

“Hey Aaron.” Sebastian said smoothly.

“H-Hey..” he responded, slightly star struck. “Y-You alright?”

“Good now that I’ve seen you.” Sebastian smiled as he walked over to kiss Aaron on the cheek. He then looked over to Chas. “Alright Mrs Dingle. You looking forward to Christmas?”

“Haha, if only! Let’s just say there’s going to be no rest for the wicked” she laughed.

Chas then advertenly coughed discreetly towards Aaron, signalling to him to get a shift on with the invite, only to be met with tight glares by her son.

“So uh... you got any plans for Christmas day then?” asked Aaron, forced by the hand. “Because if you haven’t – you probably have but – d’you wanna come round here for a bit of food, a few beers and stuff? It’ll be a laugh.”

“Yeah us Dingles can get pretty lively...” Added Chas, Aaron again not too best pleased with his mother’s choice of words due to the fear of her potentially scaring him off.

“How could I say no?” Replied Sebastian instantaneously, much to Aaron’s relief. “It’ll be a blast – a good change from the usual boredom fest at ours – yeah, count me in!”

Aaron just smiled, gazing into his emerald green eyes – he’d fallen for him so hard.


	5. Chapter 5

With no other leads or potential suspects, Victoria soon started to question her theories. What if Adam was telling the truth, that it really wasn’t him? She didn’t want to believe it because that could only mean that it’s only one other person – unless suddenly they’d weirdly fallen victim to burglaries of the sugary kind. No. As much as she didn’t want to, she _had_ to ask him.

The description she told Adam about Robert’s eating difficulties in his teenage years was extremely light to say the least. Even though Victoria was very young at the time, one of the few lasting, but painful memories she had of her mother was seeing her cope with the emotional barriers she faced trying to help her son overcome one of the hardest battles in his life. The endless nights of rows, Robert always protesting furiously in denial against his problem – leading to the horrific scenes of their own father trying to force food down the helpless 15 year olds throat in anger with his bare hands – a vivid image Victoria wish she’d never seen.

Very few people knew about it. Jack Sugden, an extremely proud man, would always strictly ensure everyone in the family stayed tight-lipped about the whole thing – ashamed of his son, the last thing he wanted was for word to spread that he was raising such a damaged boy.

Victoria first considered telling Diane in confidence about the possibility of Robert relapsing of some sort. Although it would break her heart finding out about her step-son, whom she loved as her own, that he was potentially falling back into his dark past after all this time. Victoria, at a loss really needed a second opinion –especially as the evidence suggested the contrary to Roberts prior anorexia symptoms. However, Diane being rather fragile following her recent cancer recovery, forced Victoria to decide against it as she didn’t want to add further worry onto her plate. No, this time she was going to be strong and confront Robert herself.

It didn’t take long to find him unsurprisingly.

“There you are (!)” exclaimed Victoria as she found Robert lying flat on his bed half asleep in broad daylight. She’d become a custom to her brother casually dossing around the house all day, everyday and so didn’t think to question his downbeat behaviour.

Robert sighed, unresponsive and uninterested.

“So.. I’m just on my break and thought I’d come see.. er, how you are?” she said, rather awkwardly as she twiddled her fingers – not really sure how she was going to do this.

“Not now Vic, I’m busy..” answered Robert, as he yawned and turned onto his side.

“Clearly (!)” she replied sarcastically.

There was a slow pause.

 “Look erm.. Rob I don’t really know how to ask you this but.. Have you been eating well lately, I mean.. properly y’know?” asked Victoria carefully.

“.. It’s just that with everything going on lately with you and Aaron.. you see, a lot of food has been going missing and I was wondering if you knew anything about it?” she queried uneasily as she bit her lip.

Robert’s body froze as he remained with his back to his sister. He clenched his jaw in panic as he tried to quickly come up with a plausible response which didn’t drop him so obviously in it. He’d been sussed out big time.

“What?” he softly replied innocently, pretending to be a little dazed from his sleep. “I-I have no idea what you’re on about.. like how could you even ask _me_?! Just leave me alone will you, I’m tryna get some peace here if you haven’t noticed and don’t need you doing my nut in.” said Robert clearly annoyed but attempting to play dumb.

“Rob, I’m being serious – I-I’m worried about you.”

“If there’s anything, _anything_ , you want to tell me, you know I’m not going to think badly of you.”

Robert turned his back slightly and looked at his sister, masking his lying eyes with a genuine expression.

“Vic, you need to stop this. I-I’m fine, honestly. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself. I don’t need my kid sister molly cuddling me like I’m three year old child who’s on their first crash course for potty training. Besides, you’ve already got Stella and Adam for that..” he smiled tenderly, attempting to hide all element of his depression.

Victoria also couldn’t help smiling but she still wasn’t ready to let this lie. However, for the mean time she thought it best to hold back her tongue for a while to let the dust settle, whilst she tactfully decided her next plan of action. She knew Robert was a good liar. If he was able to hide his true sexuality from everyone for such a long time, then it was safe to say that he could hide _anything_.

“If that’s how you feel then, fine, I’ll drop it.. “ she said reluctantly. “But just remember what I said, I’m always here if you need to talk.”

Robert nodded, as he watched Vic leave the room.

Inside he was screaming at himself. How could he have been so stupid to make it look so goddamn obvious as to what he was doing?! Robert felt embarrassed, sickened at the thought of other people knowing what was going through his mind, what he was doing to himself – he knew they would only see him as weak and pathetic, as if he ain’t man enough to deal with his emotions in the ‘normal’ way. He didn’t want to talk, he just wanted out. And this was the only way he saw fit.

“I’ve got to be more careful..” he thought. “I’d die if people found out, this, this _has_ to stay secret. No one can ever know.” He promised himself.

But at that moment, all he wanted to do was let himself go in another carefree binge and purge round – his addiction running rings around him. Having easily managed to starve himself for 3 and a half days without arousing suspicion, the tension had gloriously built up only agonisingly waiting to be released. But now that Vic was onto him, he needed to be smarter, more subtle, more strategic in his approach otherwise it’d be game over.


	6. Chapter 6

It was four days till Christmas and everyone in the village was wearing happy painted faces in their anticipation for the big day. Aaron, the second in line for the village grump award (after the king of moodiness himself, his uncle Cain), oddly was also included in this bunch as everyday his smiles seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Each morning he’d wake up to cute, little messages from his boyfriend Sebastian – whom were now an _official_ item – which really breathed new life into the scrapper.

Robert on the other hand was the anomaly, getting worse, day by day. With his intelligence playing on the back burner of his eating disorder, he struggled to find a clever solution to sooth his problem – causing withdrawal symptoms to kick in as he yearned to purge with no success. To say he looked like death was an understatement. White as a sheet and constantly agitated, he was desperate for his next fix of binging to relieve the hankering but with no luck. Desperate times called for desperate measures.  With no other option and much to his anxiousness, Robert decided the only way he could get his supplies without raising any eyebrows was to brave a public appearance and go buy it all himself.

However, with Victoria deciding to take a few days off work to look after a poorly Stella, Robert then needed to find a new location to do the deeds as he obviously couldn’t do it back at the house with his little sister around.

“You alright mate? You’re looking a bit peaky.” Carly asked Robert as he browsed their stock trying his best to act normal, whilst quickly placing a handful of items into the basket.

“Fine.” Robert answered rather coldly.

He then placed the weighted basket of food onto the counter.

“Woah, you got enough there?! You must be having a party or summit?” asked Carly curiously as she worked the till at David’s shop.

“Er, something like that yeah.” Robert replied in a closed manner, trying not to give anything away.

“Ah, sound. You best not forget my invite then!” joked Carly as she cheekily winked at him.

Robert gave her a weird look and then staggered out the shop towards the back of the village hall with the heavy shopping bags in his hands. To shake things up this time, Robert also decided to blend his binge with mountainous bottles of beer to induce the feeling of further weightlessness – the icing on the cake, so to speak. He checked to see if the coast was clear and with no one around, he eagerly slumped down on the deserted patio and began gorging through his stash of calories like his life depended on it. Every second he could sense his blood-sugar levels spiking at their will, giving him that rush he oh so desperately craved. His bulging muscles started to relax as all the tension in his body cleanly washed away as he began to feel at one with himself and his feelings - finally in control of his emotions again.

“Why can’t I feel like this forever..” he effused.

.. However the hour ended the usual way.

Pain seared through his abdomen as he reached out for the last bar of chocolate and beer bottle, each peak of torture greater than the last.  Veins popped up against his clammy, sweating skin as his stomach convulsed in rage – discharging every last inch of his insides. Before he even knew it the purge was over as he rested against the wall, gasping in exhaustion. Beside him a glimpse of his reflection caught his eye in the transparent door window and he was sickened by what he saw, ashamed and embarrassed of the pathetic man he’d become. But there was nothing he could do. All he wanted was to feel loved, secure and safe and right now, there was no other way to fill the hole inside him.

Suddenly Robert’s phone rang. It was Conner. What the hell would he have left to say to him?! He ruined his life for crying out loud. Not interested, Robert immediately declined the call.

However, a few seconds later, Robert’s eyes beamed as the light bulb inside his head came to shine. Connor owed him, there was no denying that. He was the goddamn reason Aaron cut him out of his life and stomped on his fragile heart in the first place. But was there a silver lining?

“That worthless little man whore could be useful to me.” Robert told himself as he smirked.

*

The following day, Robert had organised a meeting point with Connor to discuss their terms of their little arrangement. Conner didn’t take much persuading; in fact he practically rolled right over at the suggestion with his obsession over Robert knowing no boundaries. He relished the thought of spending time with the man whom he desperately would do anything to be with, despite it being evident that Robert didn’t feel the same way. 

“So we got a deal?”

“You let me use your place every time I wanna.. y’know.. let myself go.” Robert ashamed, tried not to say the words.

He knew Connor was going to judge him, potentially even mock him but at the end of the day he didn’t give a flying fuck about his small minded opinion. All he cared about was what he needed to do to feel at ease with himself and no pathetic rent boy was going to stand in his way of achieving that.

“We can always just have a quickie here if you’re that desperate – no one’s about (!)” Connor smugly responded, taking Robert’s words as some kind of horny urge.

Robert unimpressed rolled his eyes.

“Is that all you ever think about? You’re such a loser you know that?”

“Your loser.” Connor said flirtatiously with a twinkle in his eye as he bit his lip in seduction.

“Whatever, look, you still haven’t answered my question. So, what’s it gonna be, yes or yes?” Robert demanded impatiently, not really believing he deserved a choice after what he deviously did to him and Aaron.

“Fine. I’ll be your knight in shining armour if I have to. But don’t think it’s always going to be me paying for the continuous rounds of pizza each time you wanna ‘let yourself go’..” Connor sarcastically digged.

“You won’t have to because you won’t be there.. i-it’s a personal thing, I don’t want any spectators. Give me a spare set of keys to your flat and we’ll be done here.”

“B-But.. I’m doing this for you out of the goodness of my heart. Surely I should get something in return?” winked Connor.

“Pfft.. I OWE YOU NOTHING! You wrecked everything I had with Aaron and for what?! Bitter jealousy from a man who can’t even keep his hormones in check! You’re actually a joke it’s unbelievable.” Raged Robert, repulsed by the fact he even had to explain himself to this ignorant man.

“You’ll fall for me eventually.. they always do.” Connor responded softly, tossing him the spare set of keys as he did so.


	7. Chapter 7

Christmas day had finally arrived.

The entire village had been blanketed in a thick layer of cold, white snow the night before bringing the festive spirits around Emmerdale truly alive.

Chas was undoubtedly relieved that the Dingle dinner went as according to plan as it could have, although nothing is ever straightforward with that crazy family. At the table however Cain conveniently decided it was the best time to play the protective uncle act and bluntly inspected the worthiness of his nephew’s new partner, putting him awkwardly on the spot a couple of times.

Regardless, when Aaron was with Sebastian it felt like his life purpose fell into place.  Every time he gazed into his eyes, Aaron  uncharacteristically turned into an excited little child who couldn’t wait to go downstairs and unwrap his presents on Christmas morning, but this time it wasn’t really the boxed gifts which he was looking forward to unwrap... more of the adult kind (!).

Him and Sebastian cosied up together on the sofa alone following the afternoon meal, both wearing their warm knitted Christmas jumpers. That feeling of warmth and closeness for Aaron was a feeling he longed for so long.

“I love you.” Admitted Sebastian softly out of the blue.

Aaron looked at him slightly bewildered but was also flattered at the same time. Although he wasn’t expecting to hear those words quite so early on in their relationship, it was still a comforting thought nonetheless.

“I-I love you too.” Aaron repeated.

Sebastian leaned in and kissed his temple and then rested his face intimately against Aaron’s chest.

“You’re the one for me, I just know it” he smiled.

*

Christmas with the Sugden’s this year on the other hand was a much quieter affair in comparison to the Dingle’s. The whole Sugden household was covered head to toe in colourful tinsel and Christmas lights with a little festive tree in the corner of the lounge completing the perfect picture.  Victoria had scrubbed up her signature feast of a cinnamon and orange glazed roasted turkey with all the usual scrumptious trimmings on the side which everyone was keenly looking forward to tucking into. Oddly however, of all the days he’d decided to make a magical disappearance, Robert strangely hadn’t been seen all day.

With the binge addiction taking over his life, Robert’s insecurities couldn’t even hold back his urges for even just that one day and was forced to make a quick getaway to Connor’s in the morning before anyone was able to clock his vanishing act. Typically, his thoughts were on nothing else, like his mind was on autopilot as he drove to the flat – at the same time praying Connor wasn’t going to be there so he wouldn’t have to face that annoying face of his again.   

Luck sadly, wasn’t on his side.

As he turned the key of the flat door, he was welcomed by a familiar smug looking sight.

“Oi oi, look what the cat dragged in, on Christmas morning as well! You really are addicted aren’t you!? Or is it that you just couldn’t keep away from my smouldering good looks? Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t be able to resist myself either if I were in your shoes.” Connor said arrogantly.

“Uh huh.” Robert sighed and rolled his eyes as he forced his way into the corridor; too tired to bother getting into any aggro with him so he just went along with it.

“Don’t let me keep you.” Said Robert rather forcefully, as he hinted for Connor to leave the flat. “Surely you must have somewhere to be, you can’t be spending Christmas all alone by yourself in this flat right?”

“Well I’m not alone, because right now I’m with you. And what kind of a host would I be if I just abandoned my guest like this?” Connor replied, fully aware that he was just making the situation difficult for Robert.

“Besides, the least I could do is get you a drink or summit first right?”

“It’s eight  o’clock in the morning.. Bit early for the booze?” said Robert, scratching his head.

“It Christmas you moron, live a little.” Responded Conner, forcing a teeny smile on Roberts face.

Robert followed Connor into what looked like the lounge area, although he struggled to tell with it looking as if a bomb had gone off in a clothing factory. The four walls where covered in blackness, a rather depressing sight but that was Connor all over.

“Sit down.” Offered the skinny, pale man.

“I’d rather stand if it’s all the same.” Robert responded skeptically, rather put off by all the clothes on the floor and the image of the number of people he had probably shagged on the sofa.

“Suit yourself.” As he said as he handed him the bottle of beer. “Cheers”

“You look like you’re at deaths door, you know that?” Connor quipped, attempting to put a smile back on Robert’s face.

“I feel like it too sometimes.” Robert opened up, taking his joke more seriously than anticipated.

“Anything you’d like to talk about? I’m a good listener you know. Probably my best talent come to think of it, well, after sex that is.” Connor winked.

“Nah, I’m good.” Said Robert without hesitating.

“Come on, it’s not good bottling up shit – it’ll probably drive you crazy... learnt that from my psychology degree.” Connor joked.

“Well guess what, I don’t really give a damn. All I want right now is for you to leave so that I can just... carry on w-with my business.” Robert said sharply.

“Robert..” Conner said softly as he went to rub his shoulder. “Talk to me babe, I know you. Whether you like it or not, you know you feel the same as I do. We have this connection you and me, it’s chemistry... Got a Masters in that too as it turns out.” He wisecracked, forcing a little smile on Robert’s glum face once again.

Robert sighed deeply.

“I-It’s everything Connor. My whole life, it’s a mess. I just feel so lost. People keep telling me I don’t deserve happiness because I’m this awful, cold, selfish person.. and you know what? I believe them. I deserve to be punished.” Robert admitted, as a single tear slid down his face which he was quick to wipe away.

“Don’t you ever listen to them arseholes Rob, don’t you ever once, even for a second, agree with a single piece of bullshit that slithers off their poisonous tongues because you know what? You’re better than all of them and better off without them. And you know why? Because you’re the most genuine and amazing man that I have ever known. And even though sometimes I may come across to you as this cocky, arrogant little prick, there has not been a single day where I don’t think about you and your gorgeous smile.” Connor admitted sensitively and honestly – a rare moment to say the least.

“Robert, I can help you overcome this if you let me. Y-You just have to let me in... Please.”

Robert turned around and held the back of his head in his palms, his cravings getting ever stronger.

“Once. Just let me do it once more, then I promise i’ll get help. I need this Connor, y-you have no idea.” He answered in desperation.

“Fine, i’ll go. But I want you here when I get back. Please don’t do a runner on me.” He said feelingly.

Connor then reluctantly left the flat, closing the door softly behind him.

At that instant Robert without hesitating ran straight into the kitchen in a flash to see what he could get his teeth into. To his surprise and heartfelt affection, he found a little note left by Connor on the side of the table reading:

 _I just knew you were gonna come today so I restocked up plenty for you. Enjoy x_  

_PS I know you love those tubs of Ben and Jerry’s so they’re in the first freezer draw. Don’t ever tell me I don’t listen to you ;)_

Robert was speechless. This man _really_ did care about him... why else would he have gone to all this trouble? Was there really a way back for them after their shaky past.. after everything?

But at that moment Robert decided it was best if he cleared all ulterior thoughts from his mind, including Connor, as he didn’t need and want any distractions. As he sat down on the kitchen floor surrounded by what seemed like hundreds of unopened food packets, he sighed in relief at the beautiful sight. This was going to be the ‘best’ Christmas he thought. Or was it?


	8. Chapter 8

Forgetting about what Connor had asked of him, once Robert had forcibly purged his guts out in agony all over Connor’s kitchen sink, Robert panicked when he saw the time on his watch. The small hour hand was seconds away from reaching eleven and he knew he was bound for a huge grilling of endless interrogation when he got back home. As he tried to stand up, a sharp pain seared through his chest which almost instantly faded away moments later.

“Woah... what the hell was that?” Robert reacted in shock, grabbing his chest.

Without any time to spare, Robert ignored the last few seconds and got up – struggling weakly as he clung onto the side of the kitchen counters for support as he brought himself to his feet. He’d never felt this unsteady before but tried not to let it phase him as he was determined to get back as quickly as possible.

Only just about managing to keep his eyes weakly open as he drove him in his sickly state, Robert pulled up outside Victoria’s house only to be met with shouting and yelling from the front door from his little sister and step-mother.

“Where the hell have you been!?”  Demanded Victoria. “We’ve been worried sick! It’s Christmas flippin’ day and you go and decide to do this. What the hell is wrong with you Rob?!”

“N-Nowhere... n-nothing.” Replied Robert relatively dazed as he stumbled out of the car.

“Are you drunk Robert!? What’s wrong with you!?” Asked Diane curiously but more calmly, as she walked towards Robert.

“N-no, i-im not..” Robert responded rubbing his eyes as he struggled to keep them open as he staggered slowly back to the house but only managing to make it as far as the wooden gate.

Now hearing nothing but white noise, he watched Victoria’s shouting lips fade out with silence. Before he was released of his strings, the sharp tear across his chest returned as if he’d forgotten what it felt like and needed a crucifying reminder. Robert gasped for air as he struggled to breath, collapsing to the floor in torturous pain.  

“CALL AN AMBULANCE!” Diane cried out. “ANDY, HELP ITS ROBERT!”

Andy ran out of the house with Chrissie close behind, both in shock and dialled 999 instantaneously.

“Oh my God... Robert” Chrissie let out in distress, covering her mouth with her hands.

Victoria was already crying in fear as she watched her brother hanging on for dear life, still conscious fighting – only just. “Rob, what’s happened, please I don’t get it?! P-please, stay awake, an ambulance is coming!” she sobbed as she held his hand tightly.

Robert tried to respond against the agony but not words come out of his dry, trembling mouth – only the painful moans of fear as a tear trailed down his right cheek.

“Sssh, don’t speak, i-it’s all going to be okay... all going to be okay.” repeated Victoria attempting to reassure her brother as she stroked his golden hair but more so herself as she couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Uhhh...” Robert moaned in dolor. “...I-I think I’m dying Vic... I-I can hear hell calling my name.”

“ T-Tell Aaron I’m sorry... for everything.” he whispered, his voice breaking up.

“Rob don’t say that! Y-You’re going to be fine you hear me!? The ambulance is on its way! Now stay with me okay?” Victoria sobbed as she tried not to fear the worst.

In record time an ambulance drove up towards the house, sirens madly blaring with increasing frequency as it got closer.

The first paramedic jumped out of the hospital van and immediately took Robert’s pulse and measured his blood pressure as the others assembled the defibrillator with Robert’s condition seemingly deteriorating by the second and with no time to do CPR. 

“He’s having a cardiac arrest, we’ll need to get him straight to hospital.” Signalled one of the medical experts to the worrying Sugden’s, following their final charge of the defibrillator – sending pulses of 800 volts of electricity through his chest.

Robert's body had finally decided to fight back.. and he was losing the battle.

A crowd of people had gathered outside to witness what was going on, including the Dingle’s as they all eagerly stepped outside the pub. Aaron’s heart was beating uncontrollably seeing the ambulance at the door of the Sugden’s but he couldn’t get a clear sight of who was being pulled onto the stretcher.

“What if it was.. Robert?” he thought.

Despite him having made his feelings for him perfectly clear, he still couldn’t stop himself caring for the troubled man because even after everything – Robert still meant the world to him.

“Who’s that?” asked Sebastian curiously, never having seen the blonde man before, who was now wearing an oxygen mask and being loaded into the ambulance in plain view.

The Dingles all looked painfully at Aaron in hope of a response, but were met with no answer.

 Aaron just stood there, eyes flooded.

Idle in shock.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so this is the conclusion of the story, as requested
> 
> im too lazy to split it all up into chapters so this is just going to be a hella long chapter which is basically the entire other half of the fic
> 
> i hope y'all like it xx

The doors burst open as an unconscious Robert was frantically pushed through the chaotic corridors of Hotten General, Victoria and Diane following close by his side, repeatedly reassuring themselves that he was going to be safe and that he is now in the best care. In the midst of all the panic, they were still utterly lost as to why all of this was happening, why Robert had suddenly collapsed in pain having this unexpected heart attack, after all it was Christmas day, they should be together celebrating the holiday as a family in the comfort of their own home – not stuck within the uncomfortable walls of a hospital praying for the life of their precious Robert. It all hadn’t quite sunk in until a doctor, dressed in a white coat and stethoscope, approached the distressed family in the waiting room.

“We’ve successfully managed to stabilise Mr Sugden with medication however he still remains in a fragile condition so we’ll like to keep him over for at least a week to monitor his progress closely.”

“Mr Sugden is very lucky to be alive. He’s suffered from a severe case of electrolyte imbalance within his blood stream, triggering the cardiac arrest which may have proven fatal if he hadn’t got to us in time.”

The Sugden’s all let out a huge sigh of relief at the news that Robert was going to be okay however Andy just stood up from his chair and scratched his head, still confused as to why Robert had even had the heart attack in the first place.

“But what caused the imbalance? There must be a reason surely?”

“At the moment we still need to conduct further tests however there is significant evidence of a pattern of forced vomiting and a large reduction in potassium and sodium ions within Mr Sugden’s blood stream, which will explain his intense drop in his blood pressure – thus we have reason to believe this may have a potential link to an eating disorder of some kind.” The doctor informed the family sensitively as Diane gasped in shock.

The room felt as if the temperature had dropped below freezing, like the air was no longer breathable. No one knew what to do, how to react or what to say because they just couldn’t believe what they had just been told. It was happening again. Except this time, no one knew why – why Robert felt so vulnerable, so helpless that he relapsed after all this time, why he couldn’t open up to anyone instead of bottling it all up only for him to self destruct again. Victoria was trying her best to hold back the waterfall of tears which were imminent to fall from her eyes the moment she heard the words ‘eating disorder’. She was furious at herself for not following up on her promise to grill Robert over his defensiveness over the ‘disappearing food incident’ before because that way she may have been able to get through to him and show him he’s not alone. She had no idea he felt _this_ low and was kicking herself at her obliviousness.

“W-What? An e-eating disorder? Oh my goodness, our poor Robert, h-he can’t, not again-“ Diane cried in disbelief.

“Try not to worry, Mr Sugden is in safe hands. We’ll ensure he’s looked after and receives the best possible care in his recovery.” Reassured the doctor.

“When will we be able to see him?” asked Diane

“Not right at this minute as Mr Sugden is still extremely weak and until we have been able to administer his full dosage of medication for the morning, it is best he remain undisturbed as a precaution. We will let you know straight away as of when you may see him.” With that the doctor left the room, leaving a draught of cold air in his absence.

Chrissie was sat beside Andy in moral support, cusping his thick biscep in her arms as she leant her head on his shoulder to force an element of closeness to ease his shock over the news. Her and Robert’s previous encounter played deeply on her mind as she regretted some of the spiteful, cruel words that she’d said to him that may have pushed him over the edge.  She didn’t know how to feel over the situation and felt rather awkward to say anything so just thought it best to remain silent throughout the uneasy waiting period. Even after everything, she was still lost over her feelings for Robert – the love that they embellished was still buried deep in her mind beneath all the hate and angst they shared. Although she’ll never be able to forgive and forget all the pain he undeniably caused her, at the same time, however much she fought it, she just couldn’t shake off her love for the man. This soft spot for him, as much as she despises, would never fade away.

“How can I have been so blinded to my boy’s own suffering, I will never forgive myself!” Diane let out, distraught.

“He was always good at hiding things Diane, don’t beat yourself up about it. He probably didn’t even want anyone to find out, that’s why he does it.” Andy responded.

“But its been over 14 years since.. it last happened.” Diane chocked on her tears. “Why now, why again?”

“W-Wait, this has happened before!?” interrupted Chrissie in shock, forgetting her promise to herself to keep quiet. “Robert never mentioned anything to me about it..”

“I wouldn’t have expected that he had, he was very ashamed by it pet, embarrassed even. It’s not something he liked to speak about. To him, it was in the past and that’s where he wanted it to remain. But I just can’t imagine what he must be going through right now, to have to open up old wounds like this...” said Diane tearfully.

“I just want to go give him a hug.” sobbed Victoria.

“Yeah well I just want to go in and knock some sense into him – tell him to snap out of it. How many times are you going to let him dominate your lives like this? He’s clearly just doing this for attention like he does everything else.” Andy interjected coldly.

“Andy he could have died! Don’t say awful things like that, especially not at a time like this! Besides, after everything that has happened with your depression, I would’ve expected you of all people to be the most understanding out of the lot of us” Defended Victoria. “At the end of the day, he’s our brother and he needs us... now more than ever.”

*

“Let’s not let the likes of Robert Sugden ruin our delightful day, eh? Whatever’s happened to him.. it’s not our problem anymore.” said Chas as she poured a pint for Aaron behind the bar as the mellow atmosphere within the Woolpack began to liven up again.

Aaron remained silent, still trying to process what he had just witnessed. His mind was conflicted on how he should be feeling, unsure as to whether he should be relieved that he may never have to see the smug, arrogant face of his manipulative ex-boyfriend ever again or whether he should be worried for his life because deep down he knew his heart still belonged to him. Regardless, he couldn’t change the fact that the last words he ever said to him were poisonous bullets of anger – something he may never be given the chance to put right. Confused, he’d once again allowed himself to succumb to Robert dominating his mind; weak at his knees he contemplated surrender to his feelings.

“Don’t you dare make out that his life doesn’t matter, like he’s irrelevant – have some respect, for his family at least. Irrespective of what you think, he’s still a human being, alright?” Aaron burst out to Robert’s defence, much to his own surprise.

“Love, after everything he put you through.. please don’t tell me you still care. I know he looked in a bad way but at the end of the day, its karma. If there was any justice in this world, that bullet should’a finished him off in the first place, so I guess this is just a consolation prize.. Don’t go back there son, don’t do it to yourself – remember he _cheated_ on you. He ain’t worth your concern.” Said Chas forcefully. “Besides, you’re with Seb now.”

Aaron was disgusted at his mother’s brutal words of spite but decided to reluctantly hold back his anger as Sebastian, whom was still oblivious to the situation, returned from the gents. He looked around as he sat down on the bar stool next to his boyfriend, seeing Aaron’s fist clenched and instantly sensed the tension between him and his mum.

“Uh, what’s going on?” he asked. “You’re all acting so strangely.”

“Nothing.”

“C’mon Aaron, stop lying to me. Obviously something’s up. Look, I’m not stupid.”

“Just forget it alright. It’s no big deal.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I’m going to drag it out of you one way or another so you may as well just tell me. Anyway, I thought there were supposed to be no secrets between us?”

“There aren’t... I-It’s just mum nagging me that I should’ve got you that expensive aftershave for Christmas instead, y’know the one you really wanted?” Aaron lied. “But then again I’m just an idiot so what do I know.” Chas raised her eyebrow at Aaron’s blatant lie but decided to say nothing of it.

“Yeah, you’re an idiot for thinking I give a damn about materialistic possessions.” Said Sebastian light heartedly.  “All I wanted for Christmas was to spend time with you, I don’t give a toss about gifts and shit – you may has well got me nothing for all I care.. Come here you big oaf.”

Sebastian pulled Aaron to his chest and gave him a tender hug as he rested his chin against his head. Aaron tried his best to hide his guilt over lying to his boyfriend but just couldn’t risk him finding out about him and Robert, especially with the old feelings for the tall, blonde man starting to slowly resurge themselves. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Sebastian in this mess.

“I don’t deserve you.” Effused Aaron with his face half buried in Sebastian’s chest.

“Nor you I.” Sebastian smiled.

*

Two hours had passed and the Sugden’s were still being forced to sit tight in the waiting room, struggling to hold their sanity over the situation. Adam had joined them after having dropped Stella off at Moira’s to be with his wife.

“What the hell is taking them so long?!” Victoria let out as she paced down the room, agitated.

“Sit down Vic, you’re going to make yourself ill. C’mon they’ll let us know when he’s ready for visitors.” Said Adam calmly.

“They said that two hours ago, I’m going out of my mind Adam. They haven’t even told us anything or why we’re being made to wait here for so long! I’m going out there to give them a piece of my mind!”

Just as Victoria was about to take two steps out the door, the doctor returned with news for the family.

“Mr Sugden is available for you all now. Only a maximum of three people per visit I’m afraid. And I would ask you to all please refrain yourself from any deep questioning or confrontation with Mr Sugden for the moment as he is still rather weak.”

Victoria and Diane gave Andy a look only for him to react with a shrug of his shoulders.

“You all go, we’ll wait here.” Said Chrissie about her and Adam.

Without a second to lose, the Sugden clan hurried their way over to Robert’s room. Robert was just laying there on the bed white as a sheet, slightly dazed staring at the ceiling. He’d only just come round after being drugged up on what seemed like endless amounts of medication and so wasn’t quite yet in sync with the world. Victoria was the first to rush to his bedside and instantly wrapped her arms round her brother tightly.

“Robert don’t you ever do that to us again! We were so worried about you, you scared us like crazy!” Victoria sobbed. “We love you so much, don’t you ever think otherwise!”

Robert, unsure of what to say just looked at his sister with a blank expression. The emotional exhaustion had taken its toll and Robert felt so mentally isolated from his own family, he felt as if they didn’t know him anymore because of what he’d become. It wasn’t their fault, he knew that – it was his, his own stupid fault. He looked across at Diane and Andy, seeing the concern and worry painted across their faces. All he wanted to do was scream out to the top of his lungs because he knew the battle inside his head couldn’t be fought alone but the thought of burdening his family with his problems made him feel sick to his stomach. Only he deserved to suffer, no one else, not after what he put them all through, not again.

“Just leave all of you, I don’t want you here.”

They all looked at him shock.

“Robert, we know. It’s okay, we understand pet. You don’t have to be ashamed.” Said Diane feelingly.

“Didn’t you hear what I just said? I don’t want you any of you here. I-I.. just go!”

 “Please Robert, you’re not in the right frame of mind right now. Let us help you, we’re your family - we can get you through this. I know it’s a long road but you’re not alone.” Reassured Victoria.

“I’m fine!” yelled Robert.

“Well you’re obviously not otherwise why else would be stuck in here eh?”

Robert looked away, trying his best to hide the tears which were about to fall from his eyes.

“Stop being stubborn Rob, you know just as well as we do that you need help. You ain’t foolin’ anyone, drop the tough guy act alright?” Andy bluntly remarked. “We all know about this eating disorder of yours so don’t bother denying it.”

Robert clenched his jaw at Andy’s words and pretended he hadn’t heard them. At this point a life of denial seemed like a better, much less humiliating alternative to facing up to his problems especially if that meant no one else getting hurt in the process because he’d only let them down again, one way or another. He couldn’t handle inflicting anymore heartache on his loved ones as that would kill him, let alone the eating disorder tearing him apart inside. Robert told himself he would never admit to having a problem because admitting to it is like conceding defeat, showing that you’ve given up and too weak to fight your own battles.

“You can all leave now. You’re all better off without me anyway.”

“What’s brought all of this on Rob? Please, why are you trying to cut us all out? We _want_ to help you, you aren’t a burden on us if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Vic’s right Robert, bottling all of this up isn’t going to fix this. It’ll make it worse. Regardless of what you say, we’re staying because we love you.” Said Diane sternly

Robert refused to justify that with a response and instead decided to pull a strop like a child; turning his back to his family sat beside him as he closed his eyes. He knew what he wanted was the best for everyone involved but for some reason they clearly weren’t getting the message. Blinded by their unconditional love, they couldn’t see that he’d only end up hurting them again – it was imprinted in his DNA. No. He wasn’t going to allow that to happen, to let them get close to what was going through his mind because that would only set off a ticking time bomb that he had no control over.

Victoria and Andy left the room in need of stretching their legs as Diane remained by Robert’s bed side.

“What about Aaron? Surely if anyone is to get inside that thick skull of his it’s him right?” asked Andy.

“I don’t know Andy... I would love to say yes but Aaron hates Rob now. And plus he’s got a new fella so why would he want anything to do with him now? I mean there’s no harm in asking but still. Aaron isn’t going to be too happy at the suggestion of him playing the knight in shining armour to Robert now, after everything?”

“Do you really think he cheated on him though?”

“Robert’s got form. No question about that. But I’ve seen them together and I just _knew_ Robert loved him for real, like I’d never seen him like that with anyone before – even Chrissie. I don’t now... he really doesn’t help himself though does he?” said Andy.

Victoria just sighed.

How the hell were they going to sort this mess out?

*

The next day, bright and early, Victoria headed to the pub to get ahead on the preparations for the busy lunch time rush menu expected later. As she walked through the bar towards the backroom she almost collided with Aaron in a world of his own, dressed in his baggy tracksuit bottoms and gel-free hair, on his way out for a morning jog round the village.

“Woah, watch where you’re going!” she cried.

“Sorry Vic, didn’t see you there.”

“Sure. Where you off anyway?”

“Just going for a run then meeting Seb later for a coffee, why?”

“Oh no reason. Wait, that reminds me, look I know you probably don’t want to hear thi-“

“If this is about Robert..” he interjected.

“Please Aaron, I don’t know who else to ask. He’s not himself anymore and I hate what’s happening to him. He keeps wanting to distance himself from everyone and it’s going to make him so much worse but he won’t listen. I’m so scared. He refuses to admit that he’s got this eating disorder because he’s ashame-“

“W-What do you mean ‘he’s got an eating disorder’!?” said Aaron, as his voice broke apart.

“I-I assumed you knew, I would’ve thought Diane told you last night?”

“No. No she didn’t.” Aaron frowned.

“Well, that’s the cause of all of this. The doctors have told us that he’s been forcing himself to binge and then to throw up, it’s called Bulimia. He almost died Aaron, I-I can’t lose him he’s my big brother.” Victoria began to cry, prompting Aaron to take her in his arms and give her a tender squeeze of comfort.

“You won’t. I promise.”

“S-So you’ll help us then? He will listen to you Aaron..” sniffled Victoria as she wiped away her tears.

“I don’t know... Seb doesn’t even know about Robert. It’ll be dishonest – Robert is my ex after all.”

“He’ll understand Aaron.”

“I’ll have to think it over Vic. It isn’t a definite no but it ain’t yes either.”

“He loved you so much you know? Yes, he’s an idiot and always does the wrong things but you know deep down he does it for the right reasons because you meant the world to him.”

“So why’d he cheat on me then eh? Pretty sure that wasn’t done out of love. There’s only so many times you can let things slide, I mean don’t my feelings count?”

“Course they do, but..”

“Look Vic, I gotta go. I’ll think about it okay? In the mean time, don’t stress. It’ll all be fine.”

Victoria watched as Aaron left the pub. As she turned round to head to the kitchens, her path was soon blocked by Chas who had been overhearing their whole conversation from the adjacent room next door. As expected she was not best pleased about what Victoria was trying to encourage Aaron to do thus greeted the 22 year old with tight, burning red glares. 

“How dare you emotionally blackmail my son! I don’t give a monkey’s that your psycho brother is in hospital, you ain’t dragging Aaron back into his life just because he’s fucked up again. Hasn’t he suffered enough!?” she shouted.

“This isn’t about what you and I want Chas, it’s about what’s right! Aaron knows it, I know it, you’re just too blinded by your hatred for Robert to see it!”

“For good flippin’ reason too. He’s evil and doesn’t deserve another chance, especially with our Aaron. If things were right in this world he’d be the one in his grave right now and not Katie!”

Victoria’s eyes filled with anger. How fucking dare she talk about her own flesh and blood like that! What right does she have to judge her family when she herself should have nothing to be proud of her own?! A sudden urge to get violent engulfed Victoria at Chas’ cruel words but instead she tried her utmost to refrain to such lows. She didn’t want an assault charge to add to her worries and thought best of it before she had a chance to regret anything. Victoria stretched her clenched fist and took a deep breath.

“Don’t you ever speak about my family like that ever again. I quit!” she spat.

And with that she stormed out of the pub in a rage.

 

*

Running was always something that Aaron felt could calm his nerves whenever he was stressed. It allowed him to release some of the negative energy within him into something positive, more worthwhile whilst being able to get some peace and quiet away from reality at the same time. It was more than him just trying to keep fit, it gave him a chance to be alone with solitude of his own thoughts in his space of amenity. Except this time he was struggling to keep his mind on relaxation. All he could think about was Robert.

Aaron never saw him as the mentally weak one, that was more his thing. He thought he was the one strong enough to cope with anything, always able to put on a front at least – ‘I feel the same, I just don’t show it’ he remembered him saying when they were trying to deal with their guilt over Katie’s death. It was one of the things which drew him to Robert in the first place; his undesired want to differentiate between reality and fantasy showed Robert was daring and ambitious about life; always pushing his luck but seemingly managing to always get away with it – he was a risk-taker and Aaron craved the thrill. This new revealing light of his ex-boyfriend however, showed that he does have weaknesses which gave him reassurance that he was human at least but it still didn’t answer his question – why? Why was he forced to take such drastic extremes? Aaron couldn’t help feeling partly responsible and guilty at the part he played in pushing Robert to the edge even though in his mind he was only asking for it.  

“Fuck you Robert, when will you ever stop messing with my head like this.” Aaron said to himself as he stopped in the middle of a forest to catch his breath.

Aaron was lost as to what to do. Going to see him would only show Robert that he’s won again, showing him that he was always going to be weak for him regardless of what he did – giving him an inexhaustible get out of jail free card. But if he didn’t, it would kill him. His heart longed for him again, his tender touch, his soothing voice of reason – he needed him. He made him feel things Sebastian never could, it only took seeing him at death’s door to finally realise that. Mind over heart or heart over mind?

Aaron took a deep breath.

“I know what I need to do.”

*

Back at the hospital, Robert had informed the nurses that he did not wish to receive any visitors following the events of yesterday as he refused to have to unwillingly listen to anymore of the support being given out by his family because he just felt as though he didn’t deserve it. All he wanted to do was leave these four prison walls so that he could try and get back to normal and by normal he meant back to his usual ‘habits’. The dying stench of stagnant hospital air filled his lungs as he struggled to cope with being grounded in this uncomfortable bed – bringing back painful memories of his recovery following the shooting last year.  He needed out and quickly, otherwise he’d _definitely_ go mad. Irrespective of the fact that he was nowhere close to full health he couldn’t wait any longer and so painfully ripped off the tubes of fluids connected to his arm and slowly stumbled out of the bed onto his feet, baring the chills from the cold tiled floors beneath him. The corridors were packed full with doctors and nurses rushing around in all different directions as Robert tried to discreetly slip past them and the main desk without arousing suspicion. He had no idea where he was to go, with no phone, no money on him and no plans to return back to Emmerdale village he needed an escape route and fast.

“Connor.” He thought. “He’ll put me up.”

Leaning on an outside brick wall of the hospital, away from sight from any medical personnel, he looked around to see if he could spot anyone who could lend him their mobile phone for a quick call. Connor only lived 10 minutes away from the complex but he didn’t care, there was no way in hell he was going to wonder round the neighbourhood dressed in this awful hospital gown looking like he was a crazy patient doing a runner. Except he _was_ doing a runner but desperate times called for desperate measures. Weirdly he knew Connor’s number off by heart which did make things a lot simpler but did trigger some questions over his feelings for the man. Was there really still a shot between them after everything? Regardless, Aaron and him were over, he knew that, no matter what he did to try to fix things there was no going back – Aaron had made that perfectly clear – so maybe it was best for a fresh start. A tear slid down Roberts face even just thinking about the 24 year old man.

“No, no I need to move on.” He heavy heartedly told himself as he wiped away the tear. “He’s never going to believe me about Connor. What’s the point in fighting for a relationship which has no trust.”

Robert approached a red-haired woman in the car park.

“Excuse me, is it alright if I borrow your phone for a second? It’s just that I need to make a quick call and I don’t have mine on me right now, please it’s urgent and I’m desperate. I’ll be thoroughly grateful.”

She gave him a weird look but agreed.

“Connor, hey it’s me Robert. Look I need a place to stay for a while and well, you’re my only option right now so.”

 _“Oh well cheers for making me feel special there mate. But yeah, you know there’s always a bed for you at mine... but depends on whether you’re willing to share with me though?”_ Connor cheekily joked on the other end. _Oh and I’m still annoyed at you for leaving before.”_

“What?”

“ _You know, when I asked you to stay for when I got back but then you left you prick.”_

“Oh yeah, I forgot to be honest. Anyway, look I’m at the hospital outside A&E, I’ll be waiting for you to pick me up.”

_“I ain’t your chauffer mate, you have heard of a taxi haven’t you? Besides, what are you even doing at a hospital..?”_

“Long story. I ain’t got any money on me or anything for that matter. Please, I’ve even borrowed someone’s phone to call you. Just be here in five okay?”

“ _Fine. See you in a bit.”_ Sighed Connor.

*

Half an hour had past and Robert was still waiting outside the hospital, shivering and feeling like a bit of an idiot dressed in a thin hospital gown in mid-winter. Suddenly, Connor pulled up swiftly in his navy blue Volkswagen Polo right in front of the Accident and Emergency department where Robert was standing.

“Took your time, I’m fucking freezing to death in this!”

“Road works. I had to be diverted-“

“-Yeah, yeah sure.” Said Robert slightly annoyed. “We going then or what?”

“You’re looking... how do I put this nicely..” digged Connor as he put his foot down on the accelerator and sped out of hospital car park at full pace.

“Like hell I reckon.” Replied Robert. “Anyway look, I don’t wanna talk about that right now. You still got a stash for me back at yours?”

“If you’re talking about the food I brought you, you cleared all that out last time mate. Didn’t even leave me anything you greedy shit.”

“Well when are you planning on going out because you couldn’t do another round through the supermarkets could you? I’m desperate.”

“Rob, what happened to you at the hospital? Was it to do with your binging?” asked Connor curiously, quickly changing the subject.

Robert clenched his jaw as he instantly turned his head away trying to avoid eye contact with Connor.

“It was just a check up sort of thing, no big deal y’know.. S-So you gonna go buy my stuff then? I’ll pay you back it’s just that I can’t risk facing anyone right now.”

“Sure.” Reluctantly answered Connor, bring out an awkward pause.

It was obvious Robert was lying about the whole ‘check-up’ excuse. Connor felt compelled to dig deeper but decided it would be easier for both of them if he just bit his tongue and went along with it as he didn’t want to jeopardise the progress he’d made bonding with Robert again. Right now all Robert needed was support and he needed to be there for him regardless of what was going on.

“So you alright then?” asked Connor, trying to make conversation.

“I will be when I can get my hands on that fucking stash, I got real hankering right now like you can’t imagine.” Moaned Robert, as his leg tapped away in agitation.

 “You wanna talk about it?” quizzed Connor looking slightly concerned.

“Piss off? Since when did you become my councillor? Just keep your eyes on the road and stop asking me questions.”

Connor did as he was told. He knew he was letting Robert walk all over him like he was his doormat however he was the _only_ person in the world he’d ever allow that to happen because he loved him so much and just wanted the best for him. He never told Robert how much he’d fallen for him because he knew it would all just be blown up in his face. He’d always joke about his adoration for the man as banter, never expecting Robert to take him seriously because why would he? A successful, drop dead gorgeous business man such as Robert would never be interested in having a long-term relationship with an ignorant, poor rent boy like Connor. What would he have to offer a man like Robert apart from embarrassment? Okay, the sex was good but sex isn’t everything – as much as Connor would disagree. It was all he was good for after all.

*

A quick shower and change after returning back to the pub after his run and Aaron was back out in his car driving to the hospital. He’d guiltily decided to pull a rain check on his coffee with Sebastian so that he could go see Robert otherwise he’d probably end up going back on his word after seeing his boyfriend’s face. He needed to do this, for Victoria but also for himself. He needed to know if there was anything left between them, if there was anything worth fighting for. He needed to know if Robert was _truly_ sorry and that he genuinely loved him despite everything he did. Aaron knew he was an idiot for doing this but he had no choice, his heart gave him no option.

Walking slowly to Robert’s hospital room, taking composed baby steps, he took a deep breath as he approached the door. To his surprise however he was met with the sight of an empty, abandoned room. The bed sheet scattered in a heap across the bed, Aaron looked confused. Was he even in the right place? Where the hell was he?

“Excuse me but isn’t this Robert Sugden’s room? Has he been moved or something because he isn’t in there?” Aaron asked a passing nurse who at first gave him a vacant expression but then quickly clocked the situation.

She called over a couple of other nurses from the main desk in a panic. “We are not aware of Mr Sugden’s whereabouts at the moment sir, it looks as though he has managed to leave the vicinity unauthorised.” The nurse replied uneasily.

“W-What?! You’ve lost him? How could he have got out, I-I’m... Where the hell could he have gone?!”

“We will do everything in our power to locate Mr Sugden, sir. He was in no fit state to leave the hospital and right now it is our priority to find him we assure you. Who are you again?” she asked Aaron.

“I’m his f-friend, Aaron Dingle.”

Unsure of what to do, Aaron quickly phoned Victoria and Andy about the situation who both reacted in disbelief. The Sugden siblings arrived at the hospital in record time to get the full story but were left just as clueless of what to do.

“We need to find him! Where the hell could he have got to!?” cried Victoria. “He could be anywhere right now doing god knows what... oh my god, what if he’s in trouble!?”

“Stop panicking Vic, he’ll be fine.” Reassured Aaron

“Why is he always such a flippin’ nightmare? I’m missing Sarah’s play for this! When I get my hands on him...” Andy let out in annoyance.

“Give it a rest Andy, he’s our brother! For all we know he could be dead in a ditch and all you care about is a stupid play!”

“I have no idea where he could be... “

“Well let’s start in Hotten or something, he can’t of got far. It’s not like he had his credit cards or anything right?” said Aaron, quick thinking.

Both Victoria and Andy nodded and set off on what seemed like a wild goose chase.

*

“This enough shit for you, your highness?”

Connor threw down four heavy supermarket bags filled to the brim with junk food on the kitchen counter as Robert came over to inspect his selections, eyes lighting up at the sight. Robert wasn’t fussy, he’d gulp down anything remotely bad for you as long as it gave him the rush he so desperately desired.

“Perfect. You do have your uses after all...” he smirked.

“Well maybe you can show me how grateful you are later then eh?” winked Connor.

“We’ll see.” Replied Robert with a smile, much to Connor’s delight.

As Robert began to empty out the bags, he slyly signalled to Connor to leave the flat with his ‘no spectator policy’ deeply imprinted in his mind. Connor although reluctant to leave Robert on his own, didn’t have to be told twice and exited the flat as Robert prepared himself for another journey to paradise.

“There’s vodka too in the cupboard if you really wanna let yourself go.” Connor yelled on his way out to further impress Robert before closing the door.

“I really owe you one mate.” Robert responded in appreciation.

And with that, Robert slumped down on the floor, again avoiding Connor’s infamous shagging station (aka the sofa) to begin his binge. This time, the moment he took his first bite of sugar, the feeling was somewhat different. He expected to be blown away into a blissful dream of utopia as the pieces of creamy, euphoric chocolate and candy layered his throat and filled his craving stomach. Except this time he felt nothing. It was like the feeling had gone numb – like his body had developed an immune response to the sensation. Robert, in denial, continued to pour the shit down his throat in the hope that it would return, that it was a mistake and his body was just teasing him – but to no effect. It was like sex but with no orgasm, no climax point. Robert was going out of his mind with frustration, what the fuck was wrong with him?

Consumed with anger, Robert agonisingly purged the crap out of his system slowly to prolong the pain for his failure. He hated himself. The one thing that he yearned for had been taken away and with no one else to blame but himself, he felt as though he needed to be punished. At an all time low, he went straight for the vodka bottles without a second thought.

“I’m such... such a loser, such a _fucking_ loser” he broke down in tears as he gulped down the clear spirit

“I’ve got nothing. I’m unwanted. I’m alone. I-I may as well be dead.”

His eyes looking as though they were carrying weighted hundred kilogram bags, Robert gradually passed out on the kitchen floor from drowning in his tears and alcohol. Even then, his unconscious mind showed no mercy as all he could picture in his comatose was the thought of Aaron getting intimate with another man. The torture was beyond awful and Robert was uncontrollably sweating in a nightmare. It wasn’t long before Connor returned in shock to find him half dazed choking on his own vomit.

“Robert! Oh my god!”

Connor rushed over to Robert in a flash and lifted him into an upright position, leaning him on his side as he rested his hand on the back of his head for support. Robert was semi-conscious, his eyes rolling around in his sockets and mouth slanted to the side as lines of saliva left his mouth.

“We need to get you to hospital, mate you’re a mess!”

“...N-No!” Robert moaned weakly. “I-I don’t wanna go, l-leave me alone”

“You having a laugh!? I ain’t leaving you in this state! C’mon get up.” Connor responded sternly.

“F-Fuck off! I’m fine!”

“Yeah you look it...” let out Connor sarcastically.

“You-you take me to hospital and I swear I’ll hate you forever! T-They’ll be no going back...” Robert warned Connor in distress.

Just as Robert was about to push Connor away with any ounce of energy he could muster, his body froze cold, still. His eyes stared into Connor’s in fear as the stone muscles in his body began to spasm involuntarily at an irregular pace. Robert had no control as what felt like an electric storm had just struck his brain, paralysing his sensations. His body jerked in all different directions as the muscles inside him contracted in a fit, Connor gasped in shock, scared of what was happening. He needed to get help and fast. His shaking hands reached out for his mobile phone in his pocket and dialled for an ambulance, his fingers trembling.

“H-Hello, I think my friend is having a seizure please come quickly!” Connor’s voice broke apart. “Y-Yeah, we’re in the Upper Hills apartment along James Close in Hotten, flat 26. P-Please hurry, he’s in a really bad way!”

Connor just wanted to hold Robert warm and close in his arms to protect him from the world but knew he had to take a step back and let the situation take its course. He held Robert’s hand tightly as he continued to quake uncontrollably but never left his side with his eyes were firmly fixed on his.

*

Victoria, Aaron and Andy rendezvoused back at the hospital with no luck in finding Robert. They had been searching high and low for him all afternoon in and around Hotten and decided to take a break in the hope the nurses may have more news instead of his whereabouts. Even Chrissie had decided to lend a hand in the search for her ex-husband to support Andy but the day was met with a frightening outcome.

“This is going to be harder than we thought.” Said Aaron

“We’re never going to find him.” Sighed Victoria sadly.

“It’s only been one day Vic, stop stressing.” Responded Andy.

“How the hell can I not stress?! Our brother is out there somewhere all alone in pain most likely thinking that we don’t care!”

“He knows that we do, he’s just too stubborn to realise it! I bet he’s enjoying it actually, making us worry out of our mind like this, it’s what he does.”

“Well from where I’m standing, I’m the only one worrying!”

“Stop it you two! You’re not helping anyone by arguing like this.” Chrissie interjected as the voice of reason. “But I can’t help but agree with Andy.”

“Well of course _you_ would say that...” Victoria rolled her eyes.

Just as Chrissie was to make a quick comeback to Victoria’s remark, her train of thought was soon interrupted by the sight of a pale, sickly looking Robert, wearing an oxygen mask, being rushed on a stretcher into the A&E department by the paramedics. Victoria and Aaron just stood there aghast unable to contemplate what they were seeing.

“Oh my god! Robert!” Victoria yelled out. “W-What the hell happened!?”

“We were given the call that Mr Sugden was having a seizure. We will tell you more as of when we know.” A nurse informed the Sugden siblings as they couldn’t believe this was happening again.

“H-He’s _really_ ill. He... _really_ needs our help.” Andy let out in an admission of guilt.

“I need to see him!” Victoria cried.

“We’ll probably have to wait a while like last time Vic...” said Chrissie, putting her arm round her shoulder.

“I need some fresh air, I feel sick.” Said Aaron uneasily as he walked out of the hospital still in shock.

As Victoria, Andy and Chrissie went to sit in a waiting area, a young strawberry blonde haired man approached the three of them, looking rather nervous and awkward over the situation but also as though he had been crying. He was twiddling his thumbs, unsure of what tell the family about his news about Robert or whether they’ll welcome revelation of him potentially being partly responsible for Robert’s current condition. Victoria and Andy just looked at him confused; waiting for him to open his mouth with it being obvious he wanted get something off his chest.

“Can we help you..?” asked Andy bluntly.

“Erm... I’m Connor, a mate of Robert’s. I was the one who called the ambulance. You’re his family am I right?”

Andy and Victoria nodded.

“We can’t thank you enough. If you weren’t there, who knows what could have happened...” Victoria turned her face away in sadness.

“It’s okay Vic, he’s gonna be fine.” Reassured Andy as he squeezed her arm.

“Urm, yeah about that... look...” Connor let out awkwardly.

“What is it?” asked Andy, frowning. “What is it that you’re not telling us?”

Before Connor had a chance to respond, a doctor quickly came and interrupted the conversation with news about Robert’s condition. His concerned face said it all even before he had a chance to open his mouth... it didn’t look good. Victoria sensed the negative vibes instantly and broke down into tears.

“He’s not going to make it is he?” she sobbed.

“Mr Sugden is in a very critical condition I’m afraid. We have reason to believe that following his departure from the hospital earlier, he induced himself in further vomiting but also consumed large quantities of high concentration alcohol which as you may know is extremely dangerous given that he is on very strong medication.”

“The full consequences of Mr Sugden’s condition are unknown until he has gained consciousness but we’ve got him kept sedated for the time being for his own safety.”

Connor went pale with guilt, his mouth drier than the aridity of a desert. He imminently tried to avoid eye contact with Robert’s family as he knew that this was all down to him, nothing could change that. He knew full well that Robert was ill and not in the right frame of mind yet he _still_ allowed him to do it, he supplied him the goods and what’s worse is that he left him on his own. He thought he was doing the right thing, out of love, because he didn’t want to lose Robert but he had actually made a huge, cowardly mistake. And Robert was paying for it. He couldn’t even think about pinning any of the blame on him no matter how hard he tried. Robert was addicted, weak, vulnerable – he didn’t know what he was doing, what was best for him, but Connor did – and he should’ve taken responsibility.

“When will we be able to see him? ” asked Victoria who was instantly interjected by Andy.

“- do you think that’s wise Vic? You know what he’ll say, that he doesn’t want us there. That’s what got us in this mess in the first place.”

“What got us in this mess is negligence on the hospital’s part; I have a right mind to sue.” She replied in annoyance.

“Miss, we understand that you’re frustrated but please try to stay calm, we are doing everything we can for Mr Sugden. But to answer your question, it’ll be unlikely until a couple of hours till Mr Sugden is ready for visitors.” Informed the doctor, trying to calm the situation with Victoria.

Victoria responded with a deep sigh and sunk back in her chair as she wiped the perspiration from her forehead.

“Where the hell is Aaron? I swear he only went out for a bit of fresh air, what’s taking him so long...?” she asked.

“Probably on the phone to mummy I expect.” Chrissie digged.

Connor’s ears suddenly pricked up at the sound of Aaron’s name, much to his surprise. He had no idea that he was in the hospital, he thought Robert and him were over? But Robert was adamant that they were so why would he be skulking round here? He was the only likely person to clock who Connor _actually_ was, Robert’s former ‘lover’ if you would go that far – prostitute always did seem a bit vulgar. He wanted to stay to ensure that Robert was going to be okay but with Aaron now as it seemed back in the picture, he stood no chance.

“I’ll go wait somewhere else, I don’t want to intrude...” said Connor out of nowhere.

“You don’t have to do that, after all you did saved his life.” Victoria smiled. Andy also gave him a nod of approval but on the inside didn’t trust him however felt like this wasn’t the time and place for a deep-heated grilling.

“Sound.” He replied as he sat beside Victoria whilst brushing back his wavy hair out of his face.

Soon Aaron returned, completely oblivious to the situation and slumped himself on a chair opposite Andy and placed his hands on the back of his head, exasperating.

“Any news then?” he asked.

“H-He’s critical. Like way worse than last time...” Victoria chocked, a single tear slipping down her left eye. “It’s touch and go whether he’ll make it...”

Aaron fell silent.

“H-He’ll be okay, he’s a fighter. Plus when does he ever do anything that isn’t on his terms? He won’t give up so easily, don’t worry Vic.” Aaron reassured her but looked away immediately after, trying to hide the fact that he didn’t actually believe in what he’d just said.

Aaron then turned to look at Connor curiously who was just sitting there quietly in the shadows. Aaron signalled to Victoria discreetly, asking who he was and she replied that he was Robert’s mate.

“I didn’t know Robert had mates.” Aaron joked as he aimed the remark at Connor.

“Y-Yeah, we’ve known each other for a while...” he said awkwardly, failing to mention that they had once on multiple occasions embraced each other’s naked bodies in the agonisingly sweet sensations of sexual intercourse but of course he didn’t _need_ to get into that then, right?

“So what’s your name? I’m Aaron.”

“C-Connor.”

Aaron at first didn’t clock who he was, it was only until he had had a few seconds to digest it that an alarm bell went off in his head with his eyes were wide open. He angrily stood up from his seat, instantly grabbing Andy, Victoria and Chrissie’s attention as he stormed over to Connor and seized his shirt, lifting him up violently off his seat, nose flaring with outrage. He couldn’t stop glaring into his eyes, burning out his pupils out with the redness of rage. He was the reason for the angst between him and Robert, the cause of all the pain that they had both had to endure over the last few months.

“YOU. IT WAS YOU, YOU SCUMBAG!” Aaron shouted in fury. “You’re the fucking reason me and Robert are over!”

‘Well that escalated quickly..’ thought Andy, awkwardly.

Connor scoffed.

“There was never a ‘you and him’ in the first place mate, didn’t you get the memo? He _doesn’t_ love you, why else would he always come crawling back to my bed?” he jeered despite his words not being 100% true.

Chrissie was enjoying this a bit too much as she giggled quietly at Connor’s outburst, resulting in Andy shaking his head at her.

“What the hell is going on!?” interjected Victoria completely puzzled.

“This pathetic little rent boy here has got it into his deluded mind that him and Robert _actually_ ‘have something’. It’s laughable, are you sure it ain’t you that’s the one that’s supposed to hospitalised right now, because you’re _that_ mad you know that?”

 “Where were you when he needed you the most then eh? You _say_ you love him but-“ Connor raised his eyebrow smugly only to witness Aaron looking away in guilt. “Hit a nerve have I?”

“Robert and I aren’t together right now, how was I supposed to know what was happening to him?!” Aaron retaliated.

“Regardless, I was the one who found him – he came to _me_ , ME. And besides, it takes two to tango right? Robert wanted me just as much as I wanted him. Face it, you’ve lost.”

Aaron was unsurprisingly on the verge of tears but didn’t want to give Connor the satisfaction of showing him that he’d broken him apart. He held them back for as long as he could but it wasn’t enough. One by one, tears fell down across his face and he could sense Connor sniggering in his triumph.

“Look I think you’d better go.” Said Andy to Connor, calmly playing the referee.

Connor simply nodded in obedience. “I’ll go see Rob later then, I don’t want to cause anymore trouble.” He informed, fully aware that Aaron was about to explode. Connor just smiled egotistically and then left the room with a slight swagger to his walk. 

‘What the actual hell just happened...?’ thought literally everyone as they all just sat in silence.

However Andy felt as though he couldn’t let this lie, not like this. He leapt up out of his seat in pursuit of Connor to get some answers.

“Andy where are you going!?”  yelled Victoria.

“Bog!” he lied and quickly ran down the corridor to catch Connor before he left the building.

“Oi Connor, wait up!” he shouted as he saw the pale, thin looking man about to get into a lift going to the ground floor.

“Yeah?”

“I wanna get a few things straight.” Said Andy sternly.

“You say Robert loves you right? And I mean _genuinely_ loves you..”

“Yeah... what’s your point?” responded Connor with a blank expression.

“So what’s so special about you then because I don’t get it. I mean you don’t even need to question Robert’s feelings for Aaron, he sacrificed his marriage, his home and his livelihood all for him... but you? He’s never even mentioned your name.”

Connor felt as though he was being backed into a corner, at a dead-end. How long could he keep these lies up? Sure, him and Robert has chemistry but at the end of the day, Robert could have chemistry with a lamppost for all they knew, it was his charming flirty nature that just made him so attractable. Connor knew that he’d look like an absolute idiot if they clocked he was lying but to his embarrassment, he truly lacked any concrete argument.

“Well...? I even heard Aaron call you a ‘rent-boy’? Is this true?”

“Are you sure you ain’t just living some fantasy in your head because it sure as hell sounds like it from where I’m standing.” Laughed Andy. “Besides what the heck would you see in Rob anyway, he’s such an annoying little prick half the time.”

“No! Everything I’ve said is true! I love him and he loves me. End of.” Connor struggled to keep his composure as he knew he was being sussed out. To make matters worse, Aaron had decided to show up and join the party.

“You’re looking pale Connor... must be all those lies you’re telling, it must be making you ill.” Smirked Aaron.

“Er who says I’m lying?”

“Your face? Drop the act, it’s over. Just admit it, you fixed it all.”

“Fuck off, I’ll do no such thing because it’s all true.”

Aaron rolled his eyes at the extent of Connor’s denial. “Look, even Robert told me you’re obsessed with him – that he never actually cheated on me. Now that I’ve seen who you are and what you’re like – a freak – I feel like such an idiot for not believing him because it’s obvious it’s all in your head.”

“You know what, fuck this. I don’t have to listen to this bullshit. You’ll see, Robert will pick me eventually – then who’ll be laughing...”

“Hold on a second, you were going to say something before the doctor interrupted you earlier right? I want to know what you were going to say.” Demanded Andy.

“It wasn’t important.” Replied Connor, avoiding eye contact.

“Well it seemed like it was because it looked as though you were bricking it to tell us... got anymore lies you want to get off your chest then?”

Connor refused to justify that with a response and instead scoffed as he just ignored him and got into the arriving lift, leaving Andy and Aaron hanging for answers.

“Screw him, he ain’t worth it. We’ve got all the information we need- “

“- yeah, that he was a lying little toe rag. I can’t get over how stupid I was for not believing Robert, Andy.”

“He’ll get over it, plus it’s not like he ain’t got form right? He’ll be so happy to see you, y’know!” smiled Andy.

“I know, I just hope it’s all good news about his condition... you heard what the doctor said? We won’t know anything till he’s woken up.”

“Fingers crossed then.”

*

Robert awoke a couple of hours later feeling a lot drowsier than the last time; extremely disorientated and confused. Except something wasn’t quite right. All he could see was pitch-black darkness... was he even awake or was this all a dream? A delve into his messed up subconscious mind was the least thing he needed right now but was that even what it was? He could hear voices to his left – slightly muffled but clear enough for his ears to take in the pattern of sound vibrations. What the fuck was going on? Suddenly, Robert smelt something familiar, something sweet.

“Vic, is that you? I-I can smell your perfume.”

“Vic, is this a dream? Am I asleep Vic? Why can I only see blackness, where are you?”

The voices were becoming clearer as Robert began to regain his bearings. He suddenly felt a slight touch on his arm causing him to instantly flinch as it all started to fall into place... it all started to make sense.

“No... I can’t be. No...” he shook his head in disbelief.

All he could hear was Diane and Victoria sobbing in the background as he began to panic; frantically rubbing his eyes in the hope of a flicker of light to pass him by.

“My eyes, they-they won’t work. Why won’t they work, please someone help me!? I c-can’t be...” cried Robert in distress.

“Sir, I-I’m really sorry. We tried our best but unfortunately we couldn’t save your sight. Your  condition was too serious, we are extremely sorry.” Said a voice which he couldn’t recognise, presumably a doctor.

Robert sat up in his bed speechless, pupils desperately moving from side to side.

“Robert, I know this must come as a huge shock but you have to be strong. We’re all here for you.” said Diane sensitively as she placed her warm, soft hand on Robert’s arm.

“I-I’m blind Diane. I’m blind.” He broke down into tears, triggering Victoria to jump up and give her brother a tight, love-filled hug as her own tears then smothered his face. No one knew what to say anymore because repeating it would only certify its reality.

“I-It’s because I’m a bad person isn’t it?” sobbed Robert as he collapsed his face into his hands. “Because I don’t deserve happiness...”

The air went cold. Like it was unbreathable. Did he even know _how_ to breath anymore? It was like he had forgot, like his eyes had forgot how to see. ‘What was the point in living?’ he wondered in psychological agony. Suddenly out of nowhere he heard an angelic voice reach out to him from across the room.

“Of course you deserve happiness Robert...”

“A-Aaron? W-Why are you here? I thought you hate me.” He whimpered like a sad puppy. He could sense Aaron’s movement as he walked slowly over to the bed and sat beside him, placing the palm of his hand gently on Robert’s face to which Robert.

“How could I hate you? You’re my world remember?”

Robert was confused. What had suddenly changed? Him being blind surely couldn’t have turned the tables just like that in an instant. Aaron didn’t even know Robert was blind until a few minutes ago.. So what was he even doing here in the first place?

“We’ll leave you to it.” Smiled Diane as both her and Victoria left the room.

“So... are you going to tell me what’s going on? Asked Robert curiously.

“I believe you.” Effused Aaron. “I _know_ you didn’t cheat on me.”

Robert smiled as his face beamed with delight at Aaron’s revelation.

“H-How?”

“Because it was obvious all along init. I was just too stupid to see it.” He smiled.

“I’ll look after you Robert, you don’t need to be scared. I love you so much.” Admitted Aaron feelingly as he took Robert’s hand and kissed the back of his fingers tenderly.

Robert couldn’t stop smiling. His happiness _did_ matter. The blindness was a huge setback, something which he was still struggling to accept was now part of his life forever. He knew he was strong enough to get through it now that he knew he wasn’t alone, now that he could stop punishing himself for all the guilt which had held him hostage over the past few months. Things could only get better and with his family and lover close by his side, there was always hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont be fooled this aint the end
> 
> as if i could give robron a happyish ending (:


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter by chapter updates from now on x

After having spent three days in hospital being treated like a king by the nurses waiting on him hands and foot (primarily out of guilt for their prior negligence), it was about time Robert prepared himself for his return back to Emmerdale. Emotionally he was bricking it. The thought of him going back there, to everyone pities and sympathetic gestures made him feel incredibly uncomfortable. It was one thing Robert just couldn’t stand, random people who he barely even speaks to asking how he is coping and whether they ‘can do anything’ for him – maybe try leaving him alone perhaps and sparing him the false concern? What’s worse is that his family now would have no excuse but to fuss around him all the time, giving him the extra attention that he just did not want. He could picture Victoria and Diane frantically panicking the moment Robert decides to one day cook for himself again – oh the horror (!) – ending with them insisting that Robert ‘take it easy’ and that ‘they’ll handle everything’ because it’s obvious he’s’ too much of an invalid’ to take care of himself... Maybe baring the awful hospital environment for a couple of extra days didn’t seem like a bad idea at this point, not that the doctors would allow it. Once he was well enough, he _had_ to leave, much to his despair.

“Your blood count has come back looking positive so it looks like the he medication is doing its job nicely. You’ll be home soon before you know it.” Smiled the doctor, giving Robert his daily progress report with Victoria sat by his bedside.

Robert smiled back awkwardly, trying not to make it obvious he wasn’t best pleased about the situation.

“We’ve also put you on a meal plan to start building up a simple eating routine for you, it won’t be anything too alien so don’t worry, I’ve given your sister all the details.”

“Don’t look too pleased mate, I really can’t handle all the enthusiasm!” joked Aaron sarcastically as he also sat beside Robert’s bedside “Anyway I thought you hate hospitals? Would’a thought you’d be doing cartwheels at the news that you’re almost on your way out...”

“Yeah, sort of...” sighed Robert, not wanting to look pathetic over admitting how he really felt. “It’s just gonna be weird, going back there after everything y’know?”

 “I’ll have Adam do a little tidy up round your room before we bring you home.” informed Victoria.

“What’s the point?” replied Robert glumly. “I won’t be able to notice anyway.”

“Well we don’t want you tripping over things do we? I don’t fancy coming back here to the hospital for a fourth time this year on your behalf thanks very much. Things will get back to normal you’ll see, besides Stella’s missed her uncle Robert around the house!”

“’Normal’” scoffed Robert as he turned his head away. “Don’t think I’ll ever know what that feels like again.”

Clearly struggling to come to terms with what has had happened to him, Victoria gently placed her hand on Robert’s arm to try to ease his sadness. She couldn’t even contemplate in the slightest what he was going through or how he was feeling because living a life of blindness to her seemed like an unimaginable, unbearable prospect. Sight is something we all take for granted, a basic requirement that we all expect to be there but when it’s suddenly taken away, it’s like the roof has caved in on you, burying you deep within an isolated purgatory.

To make matters worse, the doctors were heavily insistent that Robert consider counselling as a formal part of his recovery process. The thought of him having to open up about his feelings to complete strangers made his skin crawl but they were adamant that it would help therefore he agreed... eventually.

_Aaron’s phone rings._

“Alright Mum? Yeah, I’m just at the hospital with Robert. Mum now isn’t the time fo...  wait what?” his eyes widened at the shock news that his mother had just sprung on him. “Look, I’ll be home in a bit!” Aaron hung up as quickly as he could and rushed to put on his jacket “I gotta go, summits come up, but I’ll come back later I promise.” He ran out in a hurry, almost forgetting to kiss Robert goodbye as he quickly came back and pecked one on Robert’s forehead. “I love you” said Aaron before he left the room again, to which Robert wasn’t given the time to reply, nor even ask what the problem was as Aaron didn’t give him the chance.

“Well that was... odd. I wonder what’s wrong?” asked Victoria curiously.

“Probably just found an excuse to run a mile I s’pose, I mean I wouldn’t blame him, I bet he’s regretting taking me back knowing how high maintenance _this_ is all going to be. I mean it’s only been a few days since we got back together and I can already sense he’s having second thoughts – I don’t even need to see his face to clock it because I can hear it in his voice. The side effects from the medication, the mood swings y’know I can tell he’s fed up already. He’s always turning everything into a joke... l-like I’m a joke - I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.” he shrugged looking disheartened.

“Robert, don’t be ridiculous he loves you, you’re just being oversensitive.” voiced Victoria sternly

“You can hardly blame me for thinking it though right? I’m bulimic and I’m blind because of it, after what happened to Jackson why would he want to take on someone as broken as me? Besides I know he blames himself for what’s happened to me, I overheard him talking to Chas on the phone a couple of days ago saying that  if he had believed me in the first place, none of this would have happened. I’ve told him countless of times it’s bollocks but you can guess how that went down... I-I just feel like he’s only with me out of guilt y’know?”

“You need to stop this because you’re talking out of your arse again okay? Aaron loves you and wants to be with you for that reason alone. He’s the best thing you’ve got going right now and he’s the one who’s going to get you through this!”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.... maybe I’m just being stupid.”

“Wouldn’t be a first.” smiled Victoria.

In the midst of their conversation, the doctor walked in again carrying a clipboard. “Time for your penultimate dosage Robert, then you’ll be done after the last one! You should be used to the effects by now but sometimes your body may react differently on an occasion, mood swings, hallucinations, nausea... .etc. You know the drill.” Robert just nodded slowly, extremely disinterested at having to hear the same things over and over again.

After his treatment was over, the mood swing cycle began again as Robert became highly agitated over his condition with even Victoria struggling to calm him down. He kept on highlighting the fact that that he’ll never be able to regain his independence again and that he’ll always be a burden on everyone because he’ll only end up relapsing again – that it was only a matter of time. “I’ll let you and everyone down, I know I will – it’s what I always do! Why couldn’t I have just died, it would’ve been so much easier for all...” he cried.

“Robert, I won’t have you saying awful things like that! What you’ve got to remember is that you’re not alone, we’ll always be here for you. The counselling will surely help and there are support groups too, but it _will_ take time to adjust... you’ve just got to keep strong.” Reassured Victoria, to which Robert just laughed sarcastically.

“You _really_ think talking to a bunch of strangers is going to help? I can’t think of anything worse. It’s just going to be a waste of time.”

“Well with that attitude of course it will! You’ve got to be open-minded about this Rob, you can’t keep on bottling up what’s in your mind otherwise it’ll only happen again. You’ve been through a lot this year and you just need to be strong and let it all out...”

 

 

 

 

There was a slow pause as Robert failed to respond. Something about Victoria’s mothering words seemed different, but more so the way she said it. The voice it seemed... warm and familiar? It didn’t sound like Victoria anymore, it was someone else... someone kind and loving, someone who used to make him feel so safe and secure even his darkest, most difficult moments. Robert sat there, still in awe, as if he’d just heard an angel. ‘It can’t have been...’ he thought to himself as his face beamed.

“Mum?” he let out in amazement. “Mum is that you?”

Victoria was idle as she looked at her brother in shock at his confusion, was he hallucinating? She didn’t know what to say, it was so unexpected.

“Mum don’t leave me, not again p-please... ”

“Robert honey... it’s me Vic.” She said as she squeezed his hand.

 “You-You sounded like... mum.” A painful tear fell from his eye. In the slight instant that he truly believed it was her, he even felt as though he could sense her presence in the room. Like she was with him, holding her son’s hand and telling him that everything was going to be okay. The realisation that she was gone had never struck so deep, as though the hurt in his heart had returned but evermore painful.

“I miss her so much Vic.” He cried. “I-I need her... I need my mum.” Robert pulled his legs to his chest as he rested his head against them, sobbing into his knees with his tears rolling down and parching the thin bed sheet. 

Victoria’s eyes flooded at the sight of her brother looking so vulnerable, like a lost little puppy. All she wanted to do was tell him that things were going to be okay but even she struggled to find the words as she was just so speechless. His insecurities were shining right through and it was like she was staring at a different person, not the smug, bold brother she’s always known.

“I miss her too, I think about her all the time.” she sniffled. “I would do anything to see her beautiful face again, to hear her say that she loves us once more. But you’ve got me, Aaron, Andy, Diane... we all love you so much as well. Mum too would’ve been so proud of you Robert because you’re a fighter and you _never_ give up even when you feel like it’s all over. If she were here today, _you_ would be the reason for her smile”

As he thought about just how beautiful his mother’s smile was, Robert slowly began to raise his head with even a little smile of his own managing to find its way through all the sadness within him. The sound of her laughter was enough to bring happiness to anyone buried in misery and Robert knew that as long as he thought about her all the time and remembered just how much she loved him, it would be enough to cure any suffering. He reached out his right arm and patted the bed as he looked to find Victoria’s hand in comfort to which she responded by placing her palm softly into his.


End file.
